Insecurity in Relationships: It happens more often than you think

I am insecure. But then, aren’t we all at some time or another?
Insecurity is defined as a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving one ’s self to be unloved, inadequate, or worthless. It is frequently an issue among couples, and has been the demise of many relationships.
Women fall prey to insecurity much more than men. That’s not to say men don’t feel insecure. They just cope with it better and feel a different level than those of their female counterparts.
The insecure partner likely has a low self-esteem, or unresolved emotional baggage. She might suffer from fear of rejection, intimacy (this should not be confused with fear of commitment) or losing an identity, and more alarmingly, from lack of trust. These may stem from past experiences or relationships, or from the environment she grew up in.
These hidden fears and issues manifest through jealousy, doubt, mistrust, paranoia and a controlling demeanor. The one suffering from insecurity has constant doubts and fears, is forever worrying, and experiences never-ending anxiety. Upon entering a relationship, her questions which used to be “Will anyone love me?” might translate to “Am I good enough for him?” and “What could he possibly want in me that he couldn’t find in other girls?” She probably has episodes of wallowing in self-pity, and feels very poorly about herself. As a result, she alienates her partner, refusing to open up. She shuns attention given to her, retreating into her shell every time he wants to talk.
The other partner now feels angered because he cannot understand why there is a widening gap between them, as the insecure partner will likely avoid confrontations and discussions about their existing problem.
If you are the receiving end of an insecure partner, understand that your partner needs to be loved and understood more than ever in this tumultuous part in your relationship.
Prove your loyalty and commitment. There are a lot of ways in which you can prove your loyalty; one is always being there when your partner needs you. Another way is to talk things through. Persuade her to change her unhealthy thinking habits, boost her self-confidence by complimenting her, whether it is about her physical features or even the little things that you love about her and assure her that there is no reason to second-guess you.
If your partner’s insecurity level has gotten to a level so intense that you find it difficult to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, you can seek counselling to guide you in straightening out your issues that may be underlying your relationship. It may be a big step, but a good one nonetheless, to exorcise the insecurity monster once and for all.
Jomie Jean O. Apostol
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